A lot of things have been changing in my life over the last couple months. The move was a big step, I knew that would change a lot of things. I was responsible for all the bills, no reminder other than my ipod. I knew that my brother and I would probably not be as close either, as he is a newlywed. He once told me that couples don't hang out with single people. I'm starting to realize why...but I never expected this change to happen so fast.
All my friends are in relationships, which is hard sometimes, but I usually am good at not letting it get to me too much. Anyone who has ever been the third wheel of the group knows exactly what I'm talking about. It sucks when you go out to dinner and the waitress goes around the table asking who is with who, to split the check, and then you have to announce that you are alone. Luckily I've been close to the friends in my group, so I am able to voice some of these concerns and talk through them. Lately though I feel like everybody wants to take off the training wheels and leave them in the ditch.
I have struggled with friendships my whole life, having been diagnosed with Asperger's disease, which really made it hard to make, much less keep, friends. I never had any friends in grade school, I had a friend that stole money from me in junior high, friends in high school that barely lasted through graduation, and friends in college that gradually grew into distant acquaintances on facebook. So when my brother introduced me into his circle of friends I was grateful, finally I had found some people I could relate to and get along with. These are the longest friendships I have had.
I'm not going to go into specifics, but I have felt very avoided over the last couple months. I don't even know if that's a word, but neglected feels too harsh. I guess ignored, but unintentionally, maybe. I went from the shy girl that couldn't make friends and didn't really care to have any, to someone who was hanging out almost every week, making plans, and building relationships. Then everything stopped. Right after I moved I noticed people stopped coming around, much less communicating. After trying to hang out a couple times, and failing, I thought maybe everyone was busy. Then I would find out that people were hanging out without me, or talking amongst themselves, but excluding me.
I've been going into panic mode the last couple weeks, I have no idea why no one will talk to me, or I guess why no one wants to talk to me. I am having flashbacks to high school when I would hear everyone talking about the awesome weekend they had, but when I would go over to ask about it, they would ignore me. I guess I might have to start over at square one, not sure where else to go from here. I might even try a change of scenery, anything to get over this sick feeling of being excluded and rejected.
I know from my post it might look like my friends aren't really friends, but at one time we were so close that there wasn't a second thought as to whether we were hanging out or not. Every Saturday and/or Sunday we would meet up somewhere, saying no wasn't an option. There were absolutely no secrets because everybody talked about everything. Now I'm lucky if I can get a hello. I've also been wondering if these are one sided friendships lately. Lately I've been the one that always initiates conversation and says hello. No one ever does that with me. Maybe none of them want to be friends with me but don't have the heart to tell me.
By the way, if any of you (people mentioned in post) are reading this, please don't take offense. I'm not mad, I'm just confused. If anybody reading this has been in this position and has some advice, or just encouragement, feel free to reply to this thread. I could use all the advice/encouragement I can stand.
I chose the title for this post because that's what life feels like when we are resistant to change. I like to think about my life 20 years from now and ask the following question: If my life was like this 20 years from now would I be satisfied? Most of us would say no, so why be resistant to the change that is inevitable. I know most friendships don't last more than four or five years on average, and if they do you most likely have made a friend for life. So don't be afraid of change, I'm embracing it a lot these days.
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